Split

I feel like I’m finding my voice again. There was a time when I used to write a lot. Not writing that I would talk about to a lot of people, but writing where I would process my feelings, my thoughts, my epiphanies, and my desires. For too long, I haven’t taken time to really think through things and that has led to all sorts of messiness in my mind. I’m writing this from Flagstaff. There is such a peace and a happiness that I associate with this place. Even though it’s only two hours away from my actual home, I feel that this is an escape; a chance for me to really get away and deal with the things that are going on in my heart. As I was coming upstairs to get ready for bed, I saw something that really got my mind going.

I am a person who loves traditions. I love to make traditions and I love to keep them. In our family, there are so many different things that we have to do exactly the same every single year or there is a certain sense of unrest and dissatisfaction at the end product. I think this boils down to something that has been grown in my mind over the years; I don’t like change. For some strange reason, I took off with this tonight. I walked upstairs and I opened a drawer knowing that there was going to be a blue pen in there. I know this because that pen has been there since the first year we came up to Flagstaff (we are now on 4 years). I found a real sense of comfort in the fact that I knew what was about to happen in that moment. I was going to open the drawer and that pen was going to be right where I left it the last time. As this comfort hit me, I was also hit with a sense of dissatisfaction about the way things are in my life.

I don’t like change. This single statement has been a big defining characteristic in the man that I am right now and has really shaped my life in so many ways. I think that growing up, I buried this ideal in my mind and that meant that nothing was going to change this, even if that meant sacrificing healthy life patterns. Recently, I have been finding that as I grow and mature in Christ, there is so much wrong with this mindset. The idea of change is found all over the Christian faith. In fact, this year, I have been hit with the fact that I am not changing enough. My “ideal” life ends with me doing what I want, when I want, and how I want. Tragically, I feel as though I have allowed myself to settle into this mindset. A lot of times, I really don’t feel as though I am a different person than I was a year ago. The split comes as I see that I live in between two different worlds.

In one world, I feel as though I live how I would like to live. This involves me coasting. Life comes and life goes, but I don’t adjust who I am in order to really deal with the obstacles that life is throwing at me. If I am truly honest with myself, I find that I live in this realm more often than not. I’ve been having some really great conversations over the past 2 months that are we really starting to shake me.

In the other world, I feel as though I need to change. There are so many different Biblical bases that suggest this pressure that I feel. I know what the Gospel says. I know that I am saved by grace, through faith, that I might come into right relationship with God. I feel as though I have the answers, but my life is not reflecting that. I guess I’m finding that as I see my brokenness, my response is not supposed to be such that I take it for granted. The Gospel saves me daily from myself. I guess that I find that I fight that too much. I want the good news of the Gospel, but not the response that flows from a transformed heart. God is really starting to impress that thought upon my heart and I’ve been wrestling through this idea a lot for the past 6 months or so. There is a fight in my heart. A split that needs to occur.